20 Ridiculously Sexy Alcohol Ads From Yesteryear

Sex sells pretty much everything, from road maps to baby clothes, from adult undergarments to bail bonds. But sex sells fewer things better than it does alcohol. The following are 20 examples of alcohol print ads using manly desires to cater to manly men. Enjoy:

 Cutty Sark Whiskey



Besides giving men some appealing eye candy - which is always a good thing in an alcohol ad - Cutty Sark Whiskey is saying that even back in sailing days, women still hadn't figured out how to drive properly. What a bunch of misogynists.

Schneider Beer



This article is fairly clever; making a pint of lager look like a singular boob is kind of funny. Was it so funny though - that the company had to put the same sight gag in the ad twice? Also, If a nipple is as big as your thumb maybe you should rethink what you are about to do.


SKYY Blue



Now this ad shows us that not only ladies and gay men drink fizzy Zima-type beverages, but also guys who have fetishes for massively gigantic women as wel


Colt 45 Malt Liquor




This was not just a funny ad trying to be sexy; this is a real board game that Colt 45 came up with. The rules are a bit fuzzy, but they involve drinking lots of Colt 45 and following the instructions listed on the "action cards",such as: "Smoke two cigarettes simultaneously", "Obey any wish or request of the player on your right.","Explain to other players why you think that sex before marriage is a necessity". Sounds like a whole lot of laughs. Apparently, male players should be fully dressed, while women should wear bikinis. It's also fairly obvious that this ad is from the 1970's as evidenced by the fact that the Colt 45 has those old time-y pull tabs and the people drinking it appear to be above the poverty line.


Mickey's Malt Liquor




The first thing i noticed was her odd shaped vaginal region, and her horrible taste in alcohol.


Belvedere Vodka




What Belvedere Vodka doesn't show you is the mountain of cocaine you had to buy for her. Hey, at least she put on lipstick before she blew you though.


Cabo Wabo Tequila




Hell yeah fools, who wouldn't want to take a shot off this busty beauty. You have your Cabo Wabo Tequila, and your lime, and your. . . wait wheres the salt. Salt. . . .Salt. . . . shouldn't there be salt with a Tequila shot. Wait a second, that's not lime juice.


SKYY Vodka




There are many things that could be happening here:

1. Shes removing her glasses and getting ready to lean into a sitting position.

2. Shes putting her glasses on to shield her eyes because the man standing over her is R.Kelly.

3. This was taken 5 minutes before the Cabo Wabo ad .

Bacardi Rum




This ad tries to show the difference that Bacardi can make in your life; one minute you are a boring cartographer, and the next you are a party animal! In reality he's probably thinking, "Judging from the smell, i would say these two have been zoned for the commercial fishing industry".


SKYY Vodka (round 2)




She's thinking, "Mmmmm, Martini's". They're thinking, "Which one of these things would fit in her".


Bit Copa
This is what happens when you mix alcohol, sex, and a bad mushroom trip.

 


Cabana Vodka



Brazil is known for two things: its amazingly beautiful women, and its amazingly real looking transsexuals. Drink a bottle Cabana and see if you can tell the difference.



Bierbitzch Golden Pilsner



Ordering a Bierbitzch from a waitress goes over about as well as an internment camp, but it doesn't stop thousands of frat boys from trying everyday.



Cointreau Liqueur




She's sexy until you realize that Marilyn Manson (who penned the song "smells like children" FYI) was inside her more times than a tampon.


Budweiser



This ad isn't really all that sexy due to the lack of either bikini's, cleavage, or camel toes, but it deserves to be noted since it is the ad campaign that gave rise to the spoof "Buttweiser - King of Rears" T-shirt. Fat, unfunny, redneck men are now issued this shirt at birth, and they salute you.



Budweiser (round 2)




There are far too many bottle caps being used in this ad. You could cover up all pertinent areas with 10 or less bottle caps. Also, it would be better if the beer she was holding by her crotch was a Busch.


Tiger Beer



This specifically left out that the 2nd most desirable export from the far east was child labor. (Side note: is that a tranny?)



Three Olives Vodka


"Whats in your martini?"

"Some fucking miniature lightning god who trying to tip over my glass"


Bacardi Rum (round 2)




This was actually an ad put out to promote Bacardi Rum. There probably should be a question mark in the statement "better than beer?". Playing with this young lady's Total Recall-ed fun bags would probably be cool for about then seconds until the middle one doesn't stop staring at you like some deranged cyclops (I wish I had three hands to feel these with!). This ad would be better if it portrayed her buying her own drinks, or not freaking out when her boyfriend wants to hang out playing poker with his friends. That would be better than beer. Until then, we can dream though, can't we.



Club 18-30



Well this may not be for alcohol per se, it is for a club where alcohol is served, and although it's a stretch, this is pure advertising genius. Technically nothing in this picture is sexually related but upon further inspection, all of it is. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant.